James Bauer
Can your husband turn you on when he’s been acting like an absolute
jerk all day, hurting your feelings and making you feel small and
worthless? Not unless his behavior changes radically, and even then the
chances are rather small.
These days most people realize a woman’s brain is the organ of the
body that matters most when it comes to turning on the passion in a
relationship. It’s much less common to find a person who knows the same
thing is true about a man. Yes, men can be interested in sex even when
there is emotional tension in the relationship, but I’m talking about
the aspects of the relationship that men have to work harder at. I’m
talking about the non-sex parts that make up 95% of the joy and meaning
both partners feel in a truly committed relationship. Relationship
issues and emotions do affect that part of passion for men.
That’s right, men need to feel a certain way if you want them to
perform. If you want him to be really deeply engaged in the
relationship, you’ve got to pay attention to his mind and emotions.
But which emotions matter most to a man? It’s not the same stuff that matters the most to a woman.
I’ll tell you the answer. Before I do, I need to prepare you. It’s
not what you would expect, and you might doubt the importance of it when
I tell you. Remember that men experience relationships differently.
As a result, the issue that matters most to men may strike you as petty
or small.
In a relationship, the most important thing that will affect a man’s
ability to perform is the level of respect he feels in the attitudes,
actions, and words of the people around him. When I say, “perform,”
I am
referring to emotional openness, willingness to work through problems,
true investment in the relationship, and the desire to make you happy
above all else.
In my early twenties, there were two women who both expressed an
interest in me. Both of them were very attractive. Both of these women
were very attractive to me. That’s where the comparison broke down
though. The way they treated me was very different. They both
attempted to use complements to spark conversations and show their
interest, but they did so in very different ways.
The first woman (we’ll call her Janet) was sitting at a table with me
and eight other acquaintances when she made her approach. This may
seem a bit ridiculous, but remember we were in our early 20s and still
basically just kids. She was giggling a lot (she almost always did) and
talking in hushed tones for a few seconds with her close girlfriend
sitting beside her before she turned to me and said, “I bet you would
look really good with your shirt off.” She had a silly grin on her face
and no shame for her boldness.
The other woman (we’ll call her Nicole) approached me one day as we
both exited a building and headed down a sidewalk after a social event.
She walked beside me for a moment, making small talk before changing
her tone of voice slightly to a more serious tone. She said, “I was
really impressed with what you said to Bill and Sarah last week.” She
turned her head and looked me in the eye at this point, and continued,
“Your wisdom’s going to take you a long way in this world, you know.”
Can you guess which one of these women got my attention? Was it Janet or Nicole?
The truth is, they both got my attention. Only one caused me to feel
deeply respected. At the moment I experienced true respect from
Nicole, I could suddenly see visions of myself in a long-term
relationship with her. Experiencing the weight of her respect caused me
to want to welcome her into my life and promise my heart to her. I
suddenly felt a deep trust for her and the desire to never lose the deep
respect she seemed to hold for me.
Sarah got my attention too, but I felt like she saw me as some kind
of plaything. I believe she had a genuine desire to pay a compliment,
but I did not feel respected. I felt she was not respecting “me,” the
deeper me, the
As a professional dating coach, there are few things I have to offer
women that have a more deep and powerful effect in their lives. Respect
matters to men in ways women just can’t see (without a little training
in male psychology). If you’d like to learn how to implement this
concept in your own relationships, visit What Men Secretly Want
